Neil Hilborn - OCD

The first time I saw her
Everything in my head went quiet.
All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.

When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments.
Even in bed, I’m thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips..
Or the eyelash on her cheek-
the eyelash on her cheek-
the eyelash on her cheek.
I knew I had to talk to her.

I asked her out six times in thirty seconds.
She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going.
On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or fucking talking to her.
But she loved it.
She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times, or twenty-four times if it was Wednesday.
She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk.
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times.

I’d always watch her mouth when she talked-
when she talked-
when she talked-
when she talked;
when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges.
At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off. And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.
She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were just passing in front of her.

Some mornings, I'd start kissing her goodbye but she would just leave because I was making her late for work.
When I stopped at a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking.
When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line.
She told me I was taking up too much of her time.
And last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place.
She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake.
But how can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her?

Love is not a mistake.
It’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can't.
I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her.
Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin.
I see myself crushed my an endless succession of cars...
And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.
I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel
How she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe
How she blows out candles-
blows out candles-
blows out candles-
blows out candles-
blows out candles-
blows out candles-
blows out-

Now, I just think about who else is kissing her.
I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once - he doesn’t care if it’s perfect!
I want her back so bad,
I leave the door unlocked.
I leave the lights on.

http://youtu.be/vnKZ4pdSU-s

-miksi pitää olla olemassa epäreiluutta
-se, että toinen osapuoli pääsee vähemmällä, on varmaan kaikille tuttua & hitto soikoon: väärin????
-se vaan menee niin
-kellään ei oo mitään asiaa sanoa että she should've stayed, she's selfish, she's horrible
-actually she on kokonainen erillinen ihminen eikä pelkkä tän miehen elämäntarinan sivuhahmo
-voiko sanoa 'tragedia' jos yks osapuoli selviää melko ehjänä
-:( haluan perustaa jonkun turvakodin ihmisille joiden sydän on murskana, missä niiden ei tarvi huolehtia mistään muusta kuin selviytymisestään pahimman yli
(-jos oot täntapaisessa tilanteessa: tiedä, että lukemattomat muutkin ihmiset on kokeneet vastaavaa, ja että siitä SELVIÄÄ oikeesti lopulta!!!! se kituminen menee ohi! ellei muuten niin lääkkeillä)
-should she have not "let him get so attached to her"? minkä verran yksi on vastuussa toisen tunteista? (periaatteessahan ei yhtään, mut käytännössä usein aina jonkin verran, eikö?) pitäiskö etukäteen laskelmoida tulevaa, ja jos siellä näkyy riskejä, jättää kaikki tekemättä?
-tää runo ei ilmeisesti oo täysin totta, onneks!